The Dark Side of Me…

It’s a little hard to explain so work with me here. I’m a big boy. You don’t have to show sympathy. I got this! But The part you see on social media isn’t much of me. It’s only a small part. Crazy things go on in my head and I feel that it’s the hardest battle ever. Entirely harder than the physical. So just like every human, I have a terrible side of me…

Just thought I should share 2 of them.

I don’t think much of myself. 

It’ll sound quite confusing so stay with me. It’s like, I know  what I do. I know some things are cool or spectacular to the human eye…..and sometimes I’m really proud of all of that, but the next day or two, I’m back to chasing perfection. No matter what I do I always know there’s Better out there. So whatever I do, it isn’t the best so why should I be proud? With bodybuilding, sewing, relationships, friendships. Unfortunately when I say there’s better out there, I’m also referring to myself. In situations where I’ve met someone, I always feel I’m a burden to them. I always feel like I’m so imperfect, I don’t even deserve a friendship or relationship. Even if I’m quite awesome sometimes, I know I’m not perfect. I know there’s someone out there more perfect so why do you want to deal with me? I’m fucked up and I stutter. It’s all just pretty crazy…but I enjoy thinking like that. Why? It humbles me greatly.  It forces me to always strive to be better and one day hopefully I’ll be quite legit in every area and if human perfection isn’t a thing, you’ll meet someone who’s quite there. Not that I’m choosing this. I think it’s just who I am. I can’t control it. So I always try to be better. In every area because I already think I’m nothing special. Even with Nicole. Until this day, I don’t know why this woman chose me. But she did…and I just want to be better for her even though I fall short of the glory. By a mile. 

I’m soft at heart…

Let me try to be clear when I say this. People’s negative opinions hurt my feelings. I just wish I lived in a world where judgement didn’t exist. So I can COMFORTABLY be myself. I’m still myself even today but not comfortably. For example, it takes courage to wear those little shorts that I wear LOL because I know crazy comments will come! Haha or to pose in only tights online. But I’ll still do it. 🤷🏾‍♂️ I wonder why people are so mean. You don’t have to be. People have feelings and some of that shit cut deep bruh. Especially when it’s from people you love. Why can’t we just be nice ya know? Why we can’t let someone live their life how they want to live? It’s sad to say that you have to have courage to be your damn self in today’s society. Do you know how sad that is bruh? So when people say bad things about me, I get butt hurt to be honest. Even though I get butt hurt, I try not to let it change the person I am. And it hasn’t since. Being myself isn’t the problem…it’s having the courage to fully be myself that’s the problem.

 I know you may be reading this like “I don’t care what people think about me” but I promise you you actually do. You don’t allow it to alter your life but you do. When people say bad things about us, it doesn’t feel good. Whether it’s from people we know or people we haven’t met a day in our lives. For example, look at the women out there getting plastic surgery and fake boobs and fake butts. Look at everyone trying to change their appearance based off of insecurities and things they’ve been told. Which is why if you go on social media on these people with tons of followers, they can have 20,000 amazing comments and will never comment on 1 of them but find the first negative one about them and go off. It’s honestly human nature I believe. Shit, idk. I wish I could turn all the comments off on all social networks. Because I don’t care for comments. Positive or negative. Positives are good to hear but it’s easy to get lost in that. Especially negative. I’d be better off not seeing it. Just let me live my life how I want. I’m having fun and that’s all that matters. 

When I see someone comment on Facebook, I get nervous. Hoping no one hurt my feelings bruh. Just keep it to yourself. And I hate that I’m this soft hearted. I know it’ll be hard for me to last as I get higher to the top in life. I hope on my journey I develop the strength to not allow others’ opinions to affect me and I pray on everything, I continue to be myself and live my life with a passion even if some parts of it hurts. You’ll never know tho cuz I won’t show none of it. LOL I’ll continue being me no matter what…just let me do it with joy dammit. 

Again, I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. I know how to handle it. I just shared my dark parts because I know there’s some of you out there who battle the Same thing and if I have anything to tell you, it’s no matter how much it hurts, no matter how deep you have to dig, and no matter how much courage you have to portray….ALWAYS be who you are. If it hurt, let it. At least you can live without being guilty of being someone you aren’t. I see many like that and believe me, it doesn’t look like a fun life to live. 

If you got this far, thank you so much for reading this entry! I know the whole nation is basically on lockdown but you guys stay strong out there!! You’re loved. And there’s always someone out there doing worse/worst fuck, I never know the difference between worse and worst!!! But Never forget that. Keep your head up! ❤️